Random & Candid

I am beginning to see

It was during a normal chat that we usually have every day, about kids. Kids feature prominently in our conversations - from the time we both had steady partners, about how much we both love kids. When she got pregnant, we both were overjoyed.

Being a single mother hasn't been easy on her, as it is still a stigma in this country and very much frowned upon. She's done a wonderful job in her 20 months as a mother, juggling her career and motherhood, all single-handedly. She often laments, "being tired is a luxury to me these days, I don't have time to be tired".

It during one of our many conversations about her daughter and kids in general, I said that I sometimes worry about being a good mother. I know it's a tough job, it's24x7 and there’s no “retirement age” for a mother. When I choose to become a mother, I need to know that I will do a good job at it, or at least die trying.

She interrupted me and said "Yeah, sometimes I wonder too if you can do it..."

That stung.

This was not the first time it happened of course, telling people around her that they are not as good as she is. It is always “you are not as strong/smart/good as me”. It is never enough to say, “I am strong”, period. She always had to add “you’re not like me”. There is a constant step on another person's head just to feel taller. Doing it many times does not mean that it will hurt your friend any lesser, you know. Do I not deserve any benefit of the doubt, at least?

When I went steady with Mr J, it was "are you sure you can take another breakup? Coz you know, you are not as strong as me, you are very weak." Besides telling me I am weak, she also predicted a short-lived relationship. I used to think that she’s just looking out for me, which I am sure she still does. But I am beginning to see the meanness behind those words.

Or the other time when she said "I don't understand why I can't find a good man - I am smart, I cook, I clean, I treat them so well. Unlike you - you don't cook, you don't do shit for your man." Of course, at that time, we all laughed at that – I am famous for not knowing how to cook, and yet always end up dating men who can cook. Now I see something else beneath that innocent remark.

I am beginning to run out of excuses for her, I know she's been through some tough times. Maybe she feels the need to step on other people's head, just so that she can feel better about herself. With each step, she rises higher. Honestly, I don't mind if she does once in a while, just not that often. If she wants to tell me what a paragon she is, go ahead, I would even agree. Just don't take a swipe at me with your claws while clambering to your own altar.

Labels: Friendship

posted by Calla @ 7:03 PM