I am beginning to see
It was during a normal chat that we usually have every day, about kids. Kids feature prominently in our conversations - from the time we both had steady partners, about how much we both love kids. When she got pregnant, we both were overjoyed.
Being a single mother hasn't been easy on her, as it is still a stigma in this country and very much frowned upon. She's done a wonderful job in her 20 months as a mother, juggling her career and motherhood, all single-handedly. She often laments, "being tired is a luxury to me these days, I don't have time to be tired".
It during one of our many conversations about her daughter and kids in general, I said that I sometimes worry about being a good mother. I know it's a tough job, it's24x7 and there’s no “retirement age” for a mother. When I choose to become a mother, I need to know that I will do a good job at it, or at least die trying.
She interrupted me and said "Yeah, sometimes I wonder too if you can do it..."
That stung.
This was not the first time it happened of course, telling people around her that they are not as good as she is. It is always “you are not as strong/smart/good as me”. It is never enough to say, “I am strong”, period. She always had to add “you’re not like me”. There is a constant step on another person's head just to feel taller. Doing it many times does not mean that it will hurt your friend any lesser, you know. Do I not deserve any benefit of the doubt, at least?
When I went steady with Mr J, it was "are you sure you can take another breakup? Coz you know, you are not as strong as me, you are very weak." Besides telling me I am weak, she also predicted a short-lived relationship. I used to think that she’s just looking out for me, which I am sure she still does. But I am beginning to see the meanness behind those words.
Or the other time when she said "I don't understand why I can't find a good man - I am smart, I cook, I clean, I treat them so well. Unlike you - you don't cook, you don't do shit for your man." Of course, at that time, we all laughed at that – I am famous for not knowing how to cook, and yet always end up dating men who can cook. Now I see something else beneath that innocent remark.
I am beginning to run out of excuses for her, I know she's been through some tough times. Maybe she feels the need to step on other people's head, just so that she can feel better about herself. With each step, she rises higher. Honestly, I don't mind if she does once in a while, just not that often. If she wants to tell me what a paragon she is, go ahead, I would even agree. Just don't take a swipe at me with your claws while clambering to your own altar.
Labels: Friendship
A "Successful" Mother
Growing up, her mother often told her that she needed to study hard to ensure a comfortable life in the future. She would be able to get secure a good job, earn lots of money and be able to afford anything she wanted. And so listened to her mother.
Her mother was very proud of her and her siblings - they all went to university, 2 of them even got their Masters degree. They all have decent jobs. She was the envy of her friends and relatives - for bringing up such good kids. She's never been the type to show off - but she felt proud whenever her friends asked "did your daughter/son buy you that pair of handbag?" or whenever her friends find out which nice restaurant we took her to. She's one lucky woman - surrounded by her husband and loving children as she enjoys her old age.
However, there is one thing which bothers her no end. Her friends make made remarks about it. So have her relatives. It never bothered her much, but lately, that's the one red mark in her otherwise perfect report card. Just
one thing.
She doesn't have a rich (prospective) son-in-law to speak of.
It mars her reputation in her group of friends and amongst relatives as the person who is so lucky she has such good children. To them, a rich son-in-law is the
one indication that you have done your job as a mother. You have taught your daughter well, to secure herself a good future, and along the way, increase your own standing in the ladder of successful mothers.
The degree of success is measured by the gap between the educational, financial status and social status between the daughter and the SIL. The bigger the gap, the more succesful her mother has been at raising her daughter.
To illustrate,
Mother No 1:
Daughter - high-school drop out, and works at the local hypermarket.
SIL - he has an MBA, drives a BMW, and a hotshot banker.
Mother No 2:
Daughter - university graduate, works as an analyst in an MNC.
SIL - he has an MBA, drives a BMW, and a hotshot banker.
Conclusion: Mother No 1 wins hands down.
The brownie points accorded to any gifts received by the mother is not in proportion to the value of the gift or the thought that goes with it. It depends entirely on the person who gives it.
Another illustration,
Gift No 1: LV bag from daughter.
Gift No 2: LV bag from rich SIL.
Gift No 3: LV bag from middle-class SIL.
Gift No 4: Non-designer brand bag from daughter.
Gift No 5: Non-designer brand bag from rich SIL.
Gift No 6: Non-designer brand bag from middle-class SIL.
Now, can you arrange brownie points to be according to the above (in descending order)?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Results:
1. LV bag from rich SIL (*ding ding ding* this is the CHAMPION!)
2. Non-designer brand bag from rich SIL.
3. LV bag from middle-class SIL.
4. Non-designer brand bag from middle-class SIL.
5. LV bag from daughter.
6. Non-designer brand bag from daughter.
My mom is the biggest failure in this zipcode. And she reminds me (subtly, or maybe not
that subtly) all the time.
Labels: Cathartic Rant
I'm Back (again!)
...and what better way to dust the cobwebs away than a looong meme found at La Islena's?
1. What time did you get up this morning? 6.47 am
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? I can't remember, so, it was something forgetable.
4. What is your favourite sport to watch? None
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Bread or noodles.
6. What is your middle name? Biatch
7. What food do you dislike? All the Malaysian sauces/pastes made from fermented seafood/durian -
budu, cencalok, belacan, tempoyak. I avoid food with too much artificial colouring, they creep me out.
8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? None.
9. What kind of car do you drive? A Malaysian made car which needs to be replaced soon.
10. Favourite sandwich? BLT. Call me boring.
11. What characteristic do you despise? People who need to step on others to feel tall. Selfishness.
12. Favourite item of clothing? White tops. Any white tops.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Italy.
14. Are you an organised person? Sometimes.
15. Where would you retire to? I haven't seen enough of the world yet, but if I need to decided now, it will most probably be Australia.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 2006, the year I broke up with my ex-bf. My best friends gathered all other girl friends to celebrate at a nice restaurant.
17. What are you going to do when you finish this? Go home. It's a Friday! (And I was done working 2 hours ago).
18. Furthest place you are sending this? Nowhere, no one else reads this blog except for
La Isleña, and I got this
from her.
19. Person you expect to send it back first? Err... no one.
20. When is your birthday? I was born in March.
21. Morning person or a night person? Both.
22. What's your shoe size? 5.
23. Pets? I can't wait to own dogs.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? Dear BF is coming home on Dec 23rd!
25. What did you want to be when you were little? A graphic artist.
26. How are you today? Tired but happy because I can smell the weekend already.
27. What is your favourite flower? Calla lilies.
28. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Public holidays and weekends.
29. What are you listening to right now? Co-workers all relaxed and chattering away happily, in anticipation of the weekend.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Chicken.
31. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Blue.
32. How is the weather right now? Sunny.
33. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A co-worker.
34. Favourite soft drink? Coke.
35. Favourite restaurant? No particular favourite.
36. Hair colour? Black.
37. What was your favourite toy as a child? I didn't have much. There's a teddy bear that I treasured - it was kept in a cupboard most of the time coz it was too precious to play with.
38. Winter or Summer? It's summer all year round here. But I definitely prefer cold weather. Yeah, yeah, the grass is always greener.
39. What is your favourite sport to play? No sports.
40. Gold or Silver? Silver. Gold looks too tacky.
41. Coffee or tea? I love both.
42. Do you want your friends to email you back? None to speak of in the Blogsphere, except
La Isleña but she's already done this.
43. When was the last time you cried? Last month perhaps.
44. What is under your bed? A big white container with shoes. Luggage.
45. What did you do last night? Found a David Sedaris book, which got me excited, but unfortunately, it wasn't all that good.
46. What are you afraid of? Snakes. My family members dying.
47. Salty or sweet? Salty.
48. How many keys on your key ring? 10.
49. How many years at your current job? 1.5 years
50. Favourite day of the week? Friday.
51. Do you make friends easily? Yes, only when I want to.
52. When did you become an atheist? Never.
53. Are you currently in a serious relationship? Yes.
54. What was your dream growing up? To see the world.
55. What talent do you wish you had? I wish I have the flair for writing.
56. If I bought you a drink what would it be? Right now, I want the Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte.
57. Favourite vegetable? Lady's fingers.
58. What was the last book you read? Playing for Pizza by John Grisham.
59. What sign are you? Pisces.
60. Worst habit? Impatience when I have to repeat something over and over again.
61. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? I would love to, but it's too dangerous these days.
62. Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? More optimistic than pessimistic.
63. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Hope that we can at least have a decent conversation until the elevator is fixed.
64. Worst thing to ever happen to you? Nothing really bad has happened, I've been lucky.
65. Tell me one weird fact about you. I suspect I have mild OCD, which I try very hard to control.
66. What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? If I don't like you, I might just pretend NOT to be home ;-)
67. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary. I watched a little bit of "It".
68. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Just about 2 inches taller would be nice.
69. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Both, depending on what it is.
70. What colour eyes do you have? Dark brown.
71. Ever been arrested? No.
72. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Donate some to charity, take my family and friends for a nice dinner, take a holiday.
73. Favourite band to listen to when you're mad? No music when I am mad.
74. What's your favourite place to hang out at? One of the many cafes/restaurants in Bangsar.
75. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.
76. Favourite thing to do in your spare time? Read.
77. Do you swear a lot? I try not to.
78. Biggest pet peeve? Stupidity.
79. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Balanced.
80. Do you believe/appreciate romance? I do. In small doses.
81. What was the last book you bought? Too long ago, I can't remember. I have stopped myself, as there are just too many books I still haven't read.
82. Name a book you have read MORE than once. Agatha Christie's books.
83. Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? Not yet.
84. Do you prefer fiction or non-fiction? Definitely fiction.
85. What's more important in a novel. Beautiful language and/or humour.
86. Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment? Toujours Provence by Peter Mayle, Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris and A Dark Dividing by Sarah Payne. Yeah, I'm reading all three now.
87. Have you ever given up on a book halfway in? I'd prefer to say No, because I have some books which I have read half-way, for months/years now. I refuse to give up.
Labels: I'm Bored
